Hymns are many churchgoers’ favorite part of a service. A community coming together, joined in song to celebrate a shared passion for religion, what isn’t to love? Well, a somewhat bloated man from the Free Church of Scotland in Bonshaw has answered this question with what fellow worshippers are calling an “indescribable noise” during a soulful rendition of “Praise to the Lord Almighty”.  

In a subsequent church group meeting arranged to address the noise, one worshipper submitted the sound was as if “A cow was giving birth to angry cat”, while another stated the sound was more like “a beached beluga whale being fed beer through its blowhole”. “I was watching [redacted] when he made the noise, somehow everything but his mouth moved” claimed another. 

No matter what the details of the sound were, the group did decide on one thing, the sound was inherently sinful and an affront to the Lord Almighty. “Anyone capable of making a sound like that cannot be a child of god” claimed Father Mcdonald, “I’ve studied the Hebrew bible thoroughly, and although that sound is not explicitly mentioned, I can infer that whatever that sound was, it came straight from hell.” 

The man has been removed from the church community for “Choosing the path of the devil” and has been reported to the RCMP. The man’s identity has been redacted in hopes Satan doesn’t haunt this most holy of news sources.